Heatbeats, Ancient Proverbs and of course A Girl...

It's 12:47am and I'm trying to sleep..

Well I was anyway, I turned off the movie I was watching (No it wasn't porn) and decided it was time to sleep, I have to get up tomorrow morning after all and I want to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed for my big day!

So then I'm lying around with my eyes closed trying to get comfortable and all I can hear is that stupid freaking song by Madison Avenue 'Don't Call Me Baby'.. WTF! Admittedly I did talk about it yesterday with my brother, but I hated that song 10 years ago when it came out, and tonight.. I hate it anew.

That's only partially the problem though, the real problem is that I can't get to sleep. My heart's racing. I don't consider it insomnia because as soon as I can get my heart rate down I can sleep but this does seem to happen to me a few times a week.. Well maybe only once a week, I guess it varies.

I'm lying here and I'm thinking "far out my heart is loud".. It's beating and the springs in my mattress are echoing it, and my bed (which is fairly rickety as it's made of wood) is bouncing softly against a power outlet in the wall to the overly fast rhythm that my cardiac muscle is pumping out...

This is also a problem that I have sometimes.. Particularly when I'm on my laptop trying to do work, I'll be sitting still but my bed will be tap tap tapping along merrily..

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I've been thinking about a girl again, one of the usual's I suppose. Her name's (oh wait I don't do names..) she's the one that I mentioned in an earlier post who's pretty much everything I'd like in a chick if only she wasn't 3 and a half years younger than me, cute, athletic, artistic, just that little bit self conscious... You all know her as any female (maybe even male) antagonist in any movie..

Anyway I was thinking about how I saw her again tonight, I saw her and once again stayed clear of her because it's for the best. She's changed her hair, it's now red.

Her hair's usually black with red in it, it looks good, it's different but still not jarring. Tonight it was just red, shiny red. And underneath it it was light, probably because she had to bleach it before she could get that colour out of it. And Although I think she'd probably still be pretty with no hair, and although I like coloured hair, it didn't look as good as she usually does... I didn't really think about it till I was lying here trying to sleep though.

But now that I have thought about it it's occurred to me.

Why would someone colour their hair that much?

And the reason that jumps out at me is for attention. I have a little bit of experience in attention seeking hair myself. I cut a dual mohawk into my hair once after a thing didn't work out with a girl, at the time I thought I was just trying to enjoy myself but it was more than that, I wanted to change. I wanted to show her that I could do my own thing without her and it was fun, but it didn't stop me hurting.

More recently I cut a checkerboard into my hair, it wasn't about a girl this time, but maybe it was about the lack of one.. Either way, that sort of attention seeking isn't something that someone does when they're happy with their lives...

Or maybe it is and I'm overanalysing, I do do psychology after all...

This girl (who's name shan't grace this page) was a bit quiet tonight.. And her hair's coloured. And she's got her final exams for high school starting on Friday.

Yet it took until 6 hours later for me to think 'huh, maybe she's not happy'.

Some psychology student I am.. Still I am dropping it at the end of the semester so there ya go...

One thing I find interesting about the way I think about this girl is that although I do spend a fair bit of time thinking about her and writing on this about her.. I never sexualise her. I never fantasize anything more than a meaningful conversation with her.. In fact I was fantasizing just asking her how she was doing right before I gave up on going to sleep and turned this on. I just want to know if she's happy, and if she isn't why not and if I can help I'd like to do that too.. But despite my totally straight urges (I say that not because I'm quashing any homosexual tenancies but because it should be noted that I definitely have plenty of pent up desires here) I never think about her like that... I don't know why though...

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I'm graduating at the end of the semester and I don't know what to do with myself next year. I really don't.

There's a few lame old proverbs hanging around my Taekwondo gym that our coach must have put up to look more authentic. I don't know why he bothered, the dude plays Call of Duty between (and sometimes during) classes and doesn't seem to have a spiritual bone in his body (maybe that's being a bit harsh.. He could just hide it well) but one of them really sticks out at me.. From memory it is 'When we fear love, what we really fear is losing love. Ask yourself, 'what would I do if I knew I couldn't fail.' Now do it, cast off fear"

I really like it, I think because of the first sentence mainly but it seems ultra pertinent to me now as far as my immediate future is concerned...

I ask myself 'what would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?' and I still don't know.

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Well.. I still don't think I'm sleepy.. But I don't think I've got much more to write here that would be worth reading so I'll leave it there.. Nighty Night..