I whine a LOT!

So..

Haven't posted for a while... Not sure that's much of an issue but it does say something about my busyness/dysthymia levels of late.. Or I think it probably does.. I seem to only write stuff here when I'm in a crappy mood.. And then á la crappy mood I whine and bitch about something for the entire duration of my overly durational post and feel better at the end..

Today I aim to write in a more happy light.. Though I suppose my previous paragraph won't go too far towards helping that.. I am actually in a crappy mood as I mentioned I seem to have to be to write here.. But I'm not going to go into that tonight..
So.. I shall move along and write about other things..

What to write about... Um.. Well I'm nearly finished uni! I have exams for the next week.. And in that time I have one.. Then, 4 days off then another one and then another one the day after.. Yay for the possibility of being finished with uni!

I don't like uni.. I think that's probably got something to do with the fact that where I live (being my country) moving away to go to uni isn't that big a thing.. And due to this I've stayed at home for the duration of my studies (except when I took a year off after my first year of horrible boredom at uni and went overseas).. That was a good time.. If I had moved out of home I think things would have been much more fun, they seem to be for all the people that I know who don't live at home anymore and considering the fact that I don't like my parents to know everything about me, it would have allowed me to do more things.. (And by things I pretty much mean bringing drunk girls home.. However as you all know from my previous posts I haven't done that..)

Basically I think that it's stunted me a bit.. I'll get over it..

Annoyingly although I am super close to the start of my final exams.. Other people such as my little brother (who's in 2nd year) are super close to the end of theirs.. So it's kinda frustrating.. He'll be finishing tomorrow.. Exactly a week before me.. Grr little brother! *shakes fist*

In other news I started playing ice hockey in an actual comp this month.. We've now had 4 games.. And after losing the first two by significant margins we got a new goalie and have since won 4-1 two games in a row.. I got an assist last week so I'm happy about that..

You might be thinking.. 'An assist? Seriously? That's it?' And if you are.. Well yeah fair enough, it's a bit lame.. But I'm playing in a comp that is way out of my league (cause I couldn't make the easier comp due to conflicting commitments) and it's my first ever ice hockey comp..

And I really need to master the offside rule.. We don't really have hockey here.. So I haven't grown up with this stuff.. I need to learn fast cause it's messing up my confidence and if I can't play confident then I don't play hard enough..

That was probably more of a note to self, than something worth writing up here.. But it's there now and I treasure my uncounted word count too much to backspace it...

To give you an idea of the level that I play at though, there's a guy from the Sydney Bears in my team..

The Sydney Bears being the equivalent of an NHL team in America.. Though as I'm in Australia our standards are quite a bit lower than the American/Canadian ones I'm sure.. But still.. He's good..


Um... I got a new mobile! Yay!.. It's good and I now have a reliable mp3 player again as my last one didn't last more than an hour on it's battery and was full.. I'll just say right now that it's not an iPhone.. Cause I hate iPods and iPhones.. Not Apple.. I use a Mac laptop.. But yeah.. I'm not rocking the iPhone.. But its basically an iphone lol...

One problem however that I didn't think about when I ordered my new phone was that it is on a 2 year contract.. No problem.. I'm sure I can scrounge up the money for it but it kinda locks me in Australia for the next two years unless I want to go overseas and pay for global roaming/an unused phone.. So this kind of messes up any aspirations I may have had of taking some wild 'Woo I've finished Uni' world working trip that I had actually considered.. Up till a few weeks ago...

So yeah.. Finishing uni.. Now I'll actually have to get a job.. This is another thing that I really can't talk about.. I have no idea what I want to do.. My degree isn't one that just shuffles me into a certain industry like a lot of my friends are doing.. And even if it was.. I'm kinda over this area of study anyway so I wouldn't want to be shuffled like I would be anyway.. So I don't know what's going to happen to me as far as that's concerned.. Probably I'll just get some crappy till-I-sort-myself-out job and then forget that it was only supposed to be a place holder and end up doing it for way too long.. I'm not the sort of guy that gets fired.. I guess that's a credit to me though right!

So yeah.. Good chance that if I continue to post these late night rants my future topics become quite employment orientated..

And that's pretty much all I have for you today children/parents/zombies.. Hope everything's going peachy on your endz..

Cya!

Heatbeats, Ancient Proverbs and of course A Girl...

It's 12:47am and I'm trying to sleep..

Well I was anyway, I turned off the movie I was watching (No it wasn't porn) and decided it was time to sleep, I have to get up tomorrow morning after all and I want to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed for my big day!

So then I'm lying around with my eyes closed trying to get comfortable and all I can hear is that stupid freaking song by Madison Avenue 'Don't Call Me Baby'.. WTF! Admittedly I did talk about it yesterday with my brother, but I hated that song 10 years ago when it came out, and tonight.. I hate it anew.

That's only partially the problem though, the real problem is that I can't get to sleep. My heart's racing. I don't consider it insomnia because as soon as I can get my heart rate down I can sleep but this does seem to happen to me a few times a week.. Well maybe only once a week, I guess it varies.

I'm lying here and I'm thinking "far out my heart is loud".. It's beating and the springs in my mattress are echoing it, and my bed (which is fairly rickety as it's made of wood) is bouncing softly against a power outlet in the wall to the overly fast rhythm that my cardiac muscle is pumping out...

This is also a problem that I have sometimes.. Particularly when I'm on my laptop trying to do work, I'll be sitting still but my bed will be tap tap tapping along merrily..

---

I've been thinking about a girl again, one of the usual's I suppose. Her name's (oh wait I don't do names..) she's the one that I mentioned in an earlier post who's pretty much everything I'd like in a chick if only she wasn't 3 and a half years younger than me, cute, athletic, artistic, just that little bit self conscious... You all know her as any female (maybe even male) antagonist in any movie..

Anyway I was thinking about how I saw her again tonight, I saw her and once again stayed clear of her because it's for the best. She's changed her hair, it's now red.

Her hair's usually black with red in it, it looks good, it's different but still not jarring. Tonight it was just red, shiny red. And underneath it it was light, probably because she had to bleach it before she could get that colour out of it. And Although I think she'd probably still be pretty with no hair, and although I like coloured hair, it didn't look as good as she usually does... I didn't really think about it till I was lying here trying to sleep though.

But now that I have thought about it it's occurred to me.

Why would someone colour their hair that much?

And the reason that jumps out at me is for attention. I have a little bit of experience in attention seeking hair myself. I cut a dual mohawk into my hair once after a thing didn't work out with a girl, at the time I thought I was just trying to enjoy myself but it was more than that, I wanted to change. I wanted to show her that I could do my own thing without her and it was fun, but it didn't stop me hurting.

More recently I cut a checkerboard into my hair, it wasn't about a girl this time, but maybe it was about the lack of one.. Either way, that sort of attention seeking isn't something that someone does when they're happy with their lives...

Or maybe it is and I'm overanalysing, I do do psychology after all...

This girl (who's name shan't grace this page) was a bit quiet tonight.. And her hair's coloured. And she's got her final exams for high school starting on Friday.

Yet it took until 6 hours later for me to think 'huh, maybe she's not happy'.

Some psychology student I am.. Still I am dropping it at the end of the semester so there ya go...

One thing I find interesting about the way I think about this girl is that although I do spend a fair bit of time thinking about her and writing on this about her.. I never sexualise her. I never fantasize anything more than a meaningful conversation with her.. In fact I was fantasizing just asking her how she was doing right before I gave up on going to sleep and turned this on. I just want to know if she's happy, and if she isn't why not and if I can help I'd like to do that too.. But despite my totally straight urges (I say that not because I'm quashing any homosexual tenancies but because it should be noted that I definitely have plenty of pent up desires here) I never think about her like that... I don't know why though...

---

I'm graduating at the end of the semester and I don't know what to do with myself next year. I really don't.

There's a few lame old proverbs hanging around my Taekwondo gym that our coach must have put up to look more authentic. I don't know why he bothered, the dude plays Call of Duty between (and sometimes during) classes and doesn't seem to have a spiritual bone in his body (maybe that's being a bit harsh.. He could just hide it well) but one of them really sticks out at me.. From memory it is 'When we fear love, what we really fear is losing love. Ask yourself, 'what would I do if I knew I couldn't fail.' Now do it, cast off fear"

I really like it, I think because of the first sentence mainly but it seems ultra pertinent to me now as far as my immediate future is concerned...

I ask myself 'what would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?' and I still don't know.

---

Well.. I still don't think I'm sleepy.. But I don't think I've got much more to write here that would be worth reading so I'll leave it there.. Nighty Night..

Where have I been?

Hi everyone..

I'm just kidding.. I know that there's only one person that's actually read any of my stuff and although I would like that to change eventually, I'm pretty happy with her/you.

I have been away from this blog for around 2 months.. That's a pretty decent length of time to just forget about something like this because I did put a few hours into my few posts and I definitely read a few other peoples posts as well.

I'd like to start by saying something about myself.

I'm not really the sort of person that brags about myself, I think I almost am, but I have a brother and a Dad that are those sorts of people and they've caused me to consciously quell most self absorbed outbursts that I feel coming on.

I hope you don't mind, but in this happy place which is my little bubble of the internet I'm going to throw that out the proverbial window... (Funnily I'm on a mac so I'm actually window free, get it :D)

So here goes.. I warn you that this post is going to jump around a fair bit.


I think I'm a pretty awesome person.

Nope, that's a lie.

I actually just think I should be a pretty awesome person.

I have a long list of things about me that should mean that I am an awesome person, yet I remain remarkably un-awesome.

Over the past month I've been flown interstate and actually paid at the same time for an inter-branch competition organised by my work.. I've fought at state level in a Taekwondo competition, I've continued to train for an ice hockey comp which I'll hopefully be starting in next month, I've continued to play in a social inline hockey comp weekly, I've surfed, played guitar in a bit of a band with a friend of mine from Taekwondo, I've worked on my 2 day's off from uni per week (getting up at 5:30AM on Monday mornings (not fun)), I've payed rego for my car and I've looked after myself and my brother because (as I live at home) my parents are overseas...

I didn't lose a fight at my comp but had to pull out because I hurt my feet so badly kicking people that I couldn't walk properly for a week, I may have broken my wrist but never got an X-Ray and still can't block properly, I still can't kick properly at training which I do at least 3 times a week and Nationals is only 6 weeks away.

I've spent around 10 hours per week driving between activities.

I'm also starting to worry about all the uni work I have to do but luckily for me I worked myself out of my extra 2 days a week of work as of this week. So I'll have time to do it now, but I'll be poor.

That was a very cluttered and hard to understand little mini-rant and I apologise for making you read it.

In other news that girl that I mentioned liking waaaay back in blog number 1 dumped her boyfriend, I have stayed away from her. But my brothers girlfriend happens to go to school with said liked girl and keeps bringing her up just to torment me a little more..

I added the other cute girl from uni on facebook(-Argh I mean 'HeadTome') and waited for a month only to find that she had ignored my friend request.. I have since not even seen her at uni.

And I got so desperate for some action that I actually spent money signing up to an online swingers site, which has turned out to be a waste of my limited funds since there are about 500 guy's on it for every 1 hot girl and that ='s bad odds...

I'm starting to feel glad that no-one reads this..

So where am I now? Well I'm up too late when I should be going to sleep because I have uni at 9:30 tomorrow morning.

Back to my original point. I should be an awesome person.. I'm pretty fit, not hard on the eyes, a certified athlete, smart, funny, easy to get along with and I even seem laid back... But I'm not awesome. For some reason all I feel like is someone who's following a recipe for some amazing dessert to the letter but still end up with overcooked crusty banana cake. Yep, that's my analogy for my life. Crusty banana cake.

I think I should point out right now that being single is my cause for my apparent dysthymia right now...

I am stuck in a rut because if I don't get happy I seem less attractive but the only way for me to feel happy with how things are going would be for me to be more attractive to start with..

Ok.. So if you were in a good mood before reading this I apologise for being a bit of a downer on your day. I actually feel a bit better now that I've written all this here if it's any consolation. But thinking about how badly written it is is definitely working against my happy.

I don't really know what I meant to accomplish by putting this up tonight/this morning.. But rest assured I'll probably be back all too soon to write something that does make sense..

Maybe.

How hard it is to not be a stalker..

I just read a story about someone who noticed that they were being watched in a creepy way by a dude while they were hanging out on a swing set..

Firstly let me just point out a few things... The person who was on the swings was a girl, but she was also an adult. The person watching her was an older man.

That's fairly obviously a bit off.

But just literally as I typed this it occurred to me that an adult playing on a swing-set by herself (at 6 in the morning as it happened) could probably be seen as a bit creepy too. Maybe the adult that was watching the woman on the swings has a child that likes to play on those swings and he was wondering why a grown woman would be sitting there waiting for his kid..?

I don't believe that this is the case, but it's interesting to consider the other perspectives.

I bring this up because I do my own fair share of harmless stalking on social networking sites.. Not to name anything in particular but lets just call the one I'm talking about "Headscroll". I'm really after a bit of input here as to how stalkerish my behaviour is and if it's excusable. I don't plan on ever using my strange skills for any messed up purposes but depending on the way you look at me I could seem a little weird.

I met a girl at uni a few months back. Truthfully by accident. I went to sit next to another person and she was in the other seat next to me, I asked her if the seat was taken or reserved for a friend and she joked to me that she didn't have any friends. I told her I'd be her friend in a similarly joking way and we shared a bit of quiet conversation before the lecture started. Pretty normal so far.

Now I'll just mention that this girl was cute and that I like cute girls (wow that's crazy talk). So I tried to find her on 'Headscroll' a little while after because I didn't share any tutorial classes with her and wanted a chance to talk to her, but I only knew her first name so I didn't have any luck.

That'd be the first questionable stalkerish behaviour I'm displaying... In my opinion fairly ok, especially since I didn't even find her.

I didn't see her again for a while except for 2 mins outside another lecture and a wave through a window and never got any more info on her, until the other day when I had an exam which she too was in.

Now as a bit of background I don't know how other universities organise their exam rooms but at mine they have a huge hall full of about 2000 students and they just run 10 or so different tests at the same time. Students sit in their class groups in alphabetical order on numbered tables. The seating plan for each student is displayed on a list by subject outside the hall. You see where I'm going? Ok for the profoundly innocent of you reading this I found this girls last name on the list by seeing roughly where she was sitting in regards to the alphabet and because I already knew her first name...

So that's stalkerish behaviour number 2. I got her name off a list to use it to look her up on 'Headscroll'.

I have not added her because I don't want to seem weird but at the same time maybe she wouldn't think it was stalkerish at all, maybe she'd just be flattered...

I spoke to her after the aforementioned exam by the way, so I'm really not a stranger anymore. In fact I walked her back to her car (kind of by just talking to her till she got to it though, not by ant chivalrous offer).

Sorry if this is all a bit unorganised but it's late and I really want to wrap this up so I can get my sleep cause I have one more exam tomorrow which funnily enough this cute girl is going to be at too.

Before I finish I just want to outline my last stalkerish actions so that I am completely honest with you all now. After getting her name off the list right before talking to her I then went home and found her on 'Headscroll' and was disappointed to find a private profile. Don't get me wrong, I think private 'Headscroll' profiles are a good idea, in fact mine's private too. But as a guy in pursuit of a cute girl I wanted to know if she was single before I make my move and I couldn't get that information from her page... Please don't judge me too harshly here on this next bit, but I kind of outdid myself on the stalker scale next.

So looking at this enticingly locked profile I still had access to her friends list (a small mercy) and I took a quick look through the list (no mutual friends, damn) and found a friend who had a picture which included cute girl in her profile pic (bingo). Her account was not private and I ended up trawling quite painstakingly through a number of photos in a search for more information on the illusive cute girl.. In the end I found a lot of pictures of her hanging out with her friends, no pictures that suggested a boyfriend and generally felt pretty good about the whole exercise. Except for that niggling feeling that I became the worlds most dangerous stalker over the course of about half an hour.

What do you think?

I admit, it was a bit obsessive, but in my defense I was procrastinating studying for my exam and it was only trying to find out if it was worth pursuing this girl...

Tomorrow as I may have mentioned, I have another chance to see cute girl and I've decided that if I do get the opportunity, I'll try and get her number and organise a date or something via traditional means (talking) but if I don't see her (and it could easily happen if she finishes the exam and leaves before me) I plan on adding her on 'Headscroll'..

Am I a creepy stalker.. Or a non creepy one?

Why I'm Single

I like to think there are a number of reasons for why I don't have a significant other.
Reasons that I have control over, that I put on myself.

I like to think that if I relaxed myself a bit then the women would flock in my direction and that I would still be as lonely as I am right now so what's the point.

Every few months I'll get sick of how I live and I'll decide that the latest girl I know will get the call she's been waiting for and I'll let her in because she can't be any worse than what I've got going for me right now.

But then I'll watch a TV show with one of those perfect couples, or a movie with that artistic girl with the perfect balance of eyeliner and funk, or I'll meet a friends girlfriend who's just great, or I'll get to know a girl that's too young but if she was only 5 or 6 years older would be perfect for me... And I'll decide that whoever I was just about to make a move on just wouldn't cut it for me.

And then I end up right where I started.

It's a confusing situation, because although my heart tells me it doesn't care about the girls I do know, my brain starts to think my heart's ruining its life. My brain starts to get concerned with how it's perceived by other brains, how come it doesn't get the girl when all those other brains do? Is it really alone by it's own choice? Or by someone else's...?

(One day someone will actually read my blog and I'll be able to get some opinions on this..)

I think this all springs from that first real girlfriend I had in high school.. I'd known her for years but never made a move because I didn't really care about her. I mean she was nice to me, in fact I think I knew that she liked me. And she was cute, though nothing amazing.

Eventually she pulled the classic 16 year old girl trick of 'why wont you talk to me..:(' what was I to do? It was either the ignore flirt denial trick, or the 'I'm shy cause I like you' perfect response by an equally naive 16 year old boy trick.

I chose the second and suddenly I had a girlfriend. It was never planned, and it was against my better judgment.

Suddenly I was loved, and someone wanted to send me messages, and sit next to me, and hug me, and I liked it.

It lasted 4 months. That seems like a short amount of time now but It was a pretty solid effort back then.

Eventually due to the obvious path that this course was destined to take we broke up.. Well she dumped me, I'll admit that. And to this day I don't know what her reasons were for it. But it's not really important.

Whats important is that I knew from the start that she wasn't absolutely perfect for me. She was 4 month worthy. I suspected as much. But we were always going to break up but I thought 'whatever, I haven't got anything else going on'.

I haven't had a girlfriend since.

I've had girls who were friends, I've even had girls who were more than just merely friends. But never a girlfriend. Because none of them have been perfect and I didn't see the point.

Lately I haven't even bothered to get a more-than-just-friend girl, because deep down anything physical doesn't seem to even matter if there isn't love behind it.. But I say this as a virgin.. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

More on that another time.

Not pretty enough, Too much makeup, Too religious, Not enough care put into her personal presentation, Lives to far away, Has a boyfriend, Too young for me, Too old for me, Doesn't like the same music, Too stupid, Too smart, Not sporty enough, Not artistic enough, Not random enough, Crazy, Hasn't spent a night sitting on her house's roof looking up at the stars thinking about her perfect guy...

These and more are real reasons I've stopped myself from taking the leap.

But are they?
What if they actually translate to: I'm too skinny, She knows way cooler guy's than me, I'm stuck in the 'friend' group, She wont like me, She doesn't like me, I'm not pretty enough, I don't have enough style, I'm too awkward, I'm not funny, I'm lame, I can't impress her, I'm not good enough, Not good enough, Not good enough, Not good enough...

I can't work it out, one way or the other...

So I sit here and type to no-one.

Because that's who cares...

Cause It Saves Me Worrying

I know a lot of people.

According to my Facebook profile I have a lot of friends.

A lot of these friends are pretty girls.

A lot of these pretty girls are younger than me.

I stop myself from doing things that would hurt them, but it would be easier if someone else stopped me.

I hope that all the pretty young girls that I crave always have good boyfriends so that I have no opportunity to get involved.

(Before you start to wonder, I'm not talking about any pedophiliac thoughts here, they're simply younger than I think is right for someone my age to be interested in. In that they're younger than my brother. That's been my rule for a while now. My rule used to be, if they were only younger than me then they were too young, but I think I'm slipping.

But I'll never slip that far.)

I got to know a girl over the last few days that is the same age as my brothers girlfriend. Well ok she's a little older, but she's still a fair throw younger than I should be thinking about. According to my rule.

She has a boyfriend. Thankfully.

I hope she and him are happy because I know that I could make her happy if he wasn't there. But my brain stops me from wanting that.

Thanks brain.

I know another girl that is even younger than the first girl. She's absolutely gorgeous, so is the first girl. Being around them is like being on the set of a movie. The younger girl is in even more danger than the older one. I'll call her Girl 2.

Girl 2 likes to dance. She also likes to flirt with older boys.

I don't think girl 2 realises the dangers of her beauty. But she definitely knows she's beautiful.

This weekend a boy younger than me but still older than her started to fall into her eyes(thighsbreastssoftskinsmoothdarkhair). But he held himself back from the brink.

I think he did, but maybe he just failed to jump.

The best outcome for both of them regardless.

I don't think it's fair that girls can have that power over men. Yes men.

We might have resisted, but in a few years she'll be surrounded by those who wont. I worry about what will happen then.

I don't want her to get hurt. My brain tells me she will be.

Damnit brain.

I just hope she gets a boyfriend. So that she's safer from everyone else.