Why I'm Single

I like to think there are a number of reasons for why I don't have a significant other.
Reasons that I have control over, that I put on myself.

I like to think that if I relaxed myself a bit then the women would flock in my direction and that I would still be as lonely as I am right now so what's the point.

Every few months I'll get sick of how I live and I'll decide that the latest girl I know will get the call she's been waiting for and I'll let her in because she can't be any worse than what I've got going for me right now.

But then I'll watch a TV show with one of those perfect couples, or a movie with that artistic girl with the perfect balance of eyeliner and funk, or I'll meet a friends girlfriend who's just great, or I'll get to know a girl that's too young but if she was only 5 or 6 years older would be perfect for me... And I'll decide that whoever I was just about to make a move on just wouldn't cut it for me.

And then I end up right where I started.

It's a confusing situation, because although my heart tells me it doesn't care about the girls I do know, my brain starts to think my heart's ruining its life. My brain starts to get concerned with how it's perceived by other brains, how come it doesn't get the girl when all those other brains do? Is it really alone by it's own choice? Or by someone else's...?

(One day someone will actually read my blog and I'll be able to get some opinions on this..)

I think this all springs from that first real girlfriend I had in high school.. I'd known her for years but never made a move because I didn't really care about her. I mean she was nice to me, in fact I think I knew that she liked me. And she was cute, though nothing amazing.

Eventually she pulled the classic 16 year old girl trick of 'why wont you talk to me..:(' what was I to do? It was either the ignore flirt denial trick, or the 'I'm shy cause I like you' perfect response by an equally naive 16 year old boy trick.

I chose the second and suddenly I had a girlfriend. It was never planned, and it was against my better judgment.

Suddenly I was loved, and someone wanted to send me messages, and sit next to me, and hug me, and I liked it.

It lasted 4 months. That seems like a short amount of time now but It was a pretty solid effort back then.

Eventually due to the obvious path that this course was destined to take we broke up.. Well she dumped me, I'll admit that. And to this day I don't know what her reasons were for it. But it's not really important.

Whats important is that I knew from the start that she wasn't absolutely perfect for me. She was 4 month worthy. I suspected as much. But we were always going to break up but I thought 'whatever, I haven't got anything else going on'.

I haven't had a girlfriend since.

I've had girls who were friends, I've even had girls who were more than just merely friends. But never a girlfriend. Because none of them have been perfect and I didn't see the point.

Lately I haven't even bothered to get a more-than-just-friend girl, because deep down anything physical doesn't seem to even matter if there isn't love behind it.. But I say this as a virgin.. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

More on that another time.

Not pretty enough, Too much makeup, Too religious, Not enough care put into her personal presentation, Lives to far away, Has a boyfriend, Too young for me, Too old for me, Doesn't like the same music, Too stupid, Too smart, Not sporty enough, Not artistic enough, Not random enough, Crazy, Hasn't spent a night sitting on her house's roof looking up at the stars thinking about her perfect guy...

These and more are real reasons I've stopped myself from taking the leap.

But are they?
What if they actually translate to: I'm too skinny, She knows way cooler guy's than me, I'm stuck in the 'friend' group, She wont like me, She doesn't like me, I'm not pretty enough, I don't have enough style, I'm too awkward, I'm not funny, I'm lame, I can't impress her, I'm not good enough, Not good enough, Not good enough, Not good enough...

I can't work it out, one way or the other...

So I sit here and type to no-one.

Because that's who cares...